Lately I’ve been struggling with this artist life. That’s not a surprise. And as we all know by now, life isn’t fair. But I’m going to rant about it anyway.
It’s not enough to be talented, we have to have money to provide a life so that we can cultivate that talent and wait for our big break. It’s not enough to be pretty, we must also be thin. It’s not enough to have one job, we must have five. It’s not enough to have four jobs and wear seven different hats, we must also cook and clean and make a home. It’s not enough to be making enough to pay rent, you have to make enough to pay your student loans and credit cards, and then after that, phone, electric, groceries, gasoline…
The pressure never ends, and the work never ends. And sometimes it just feels like it’s all too much. No one will ever appreciate this work for what it is, unless it gets out that you were living in your car, or cleaning houses, or something that seems like rock bottom.
The other problems with being everything for everyone, are these: 1) They will always expect you to handle everything and you’ll never get any help, and 2) You relinquish “me” time. The Jack of All Trades is the master of none. So then how can you push your product, if the quality is not kept up to standards?
You thought this would end with some philosophical uplifting “it’ll all work out in the end” line, but the reality is, that’s not true. It’s not necessarily false either, it’s just unknown. I like to think that balance will restore order, and that handling things one at a time is the most organized way to work through issues, but my truth in this moment is that I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of having so much to give and not being able to give it. I’m tired of being everything for everyone else, and not having time to work on myself. I’m tired of feeling inadequate and handicapped by debt and fatigue. I’m tired of taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back, or visa versa.
I need something to change, I just have to figure out what it is.